Sunday, January ?18, 2006

Thirsty. Thirsty and tired, and the chocolate retreiver stares at my hands in apparent jealousy as I go off case and succumb to sleep, once again.

I woke up once, at 0500, and have been up since. It is now 0900 and I guess that means no church. I should just go by myself, but....I want to.....but I can barely make it to the bathroom...and my posterior upper and inner thighs are speckled with sorded bruises from several falls a few days ago...huge bruises are being reabsorbed now, leading to something I have never had before.

Whole body scratch. As if I am a monkey in the Rainforest of the Amazon, picking tics and ants away from my skin. Feels as if I want to rid by skin of its 1st epithelial layer, getting rid of it as if I have not washed my back for ten days. Alas, I am in my own room of comfort, having just picked out new blinds so the sun does not arise and the awaken us in our own sleep. As the morning sun rises, the glory of another day also seems to carry with it....the strony rays of the sun in your face, too bright and too early in the morning. So betcha sleep will be easier, especially during pm naps.

Now, even now, and for some time now....it has been hard to sleep at night, and/or hard to take a daytime nap. So, I just go along my merry way, thinking.....it's like getting two days out of every one day of life. Whenever I wake up, I have to ask whether it is still today, or is it tonite, or is it tomorrow morning?

Somehow, the healing/absorption of the bruise must be releasing histamine, activating receptors that are metabolized (e.g., liver? kidneys?) and changed in to a second substance. This substance leads to the same pain as chicken pox. I had Chicken Pox at 16 years old, and I recall the pain of the blisters. I can also remember my family physician (God Bless the man) telling me that the pain of chicken pox is thought to travel up the same fibers as the pain fibers, activating dermatologic pain...in my case, it was my whole body. As if I turned into someone else...the chronicity of the pain....some person that now only complains. And the doctors say, "Uh, not HER again.".

No, I know that I am in good hands...I just wish that the rest of the population with dysautonomia is able to be helped. Intellectually, this ilness is one that captures the scientist in a web of neurologic fibers to sort out by hand.

Off to sleep. Just wanted to write something down for the sake of posterity. When my children read this, perhaps they will understand. In the meantime, I am going to break this 'cycle' of childhood separations from Mommy, and stick like glue to our little one. She is the most important thing to us.....but through the Mercy of God and Jesus' Eternity bought with blood, all things, Romans 8:28...'All things work together for good, for those who love the Lord, for those who are called according to His purpose.'

Off to nap. It is 0930 and I feel delerious...need more sleep :-). You know how that feels, yourself. AAahhh.......sleep..............zzzz.............zzzz.........zzz....zzz......zz.......zz..............................z.