Monday, May 10, 2010

Monday, May 10, 2010

So I watched as in slow motion, the spoon went to my mouth. It was filled with liquid. Chocolate EnsureR. Pill dust on top, since it is not yet possible for me to swallow pills. Pill dust sprinkled across the spoon in an even manner, so no clumps of pill dust forms. Nevertheless, once I swallow the spoonful, the pill dust residue sticks to the roof of my mouth and it is the bitter flavor, the tart and bitter nature of it, that had the strong, forward flavor which ended with a long and strong head of tannins too bitter to drink.

By this time, much has happened. YT channel views are at almost 29,000, and people seem to care. Lots of Christians, the Christian base of YT that I has restored my faith in human beings. Have new friends and one even posted a video in prayer for a girl with dysautonomia. And the most amazing thing happened this Mother's Day weekend.

I didn't expect any thing, as it seemed that Mother's Day was upon us with no notice in advance. There was no need for me to have anything new. I don't need 'cheering up' to be a Mom. To me, being a Mother is a gift from God. Even as a child, a second-grader, I knew this. I knew God was listening to me as I stayed awake late into the night, singing. I would center myself on my bed, pull the blankets over my head, and pretend. I would pretend that God was looking every where for one woman of great faith and highest loyalty to His name. He was looking from the heavens at planet earth, and many things were happening.

There were people standing in lines, anxious to get something. People also drove backwards and forwards, even as the night revealed the red lights and the white lights of the cars, which travelled in synchrony as if at the same time, every body was going some where, and no one was going anywhere. People were as little ants, to us. Scattering about when some commotion occurs, trying to keep the 'plan' in line, and following a Queen leader. As I wondered what that Queen would be thinking, I looked up at the slit in the gray shades. The kind of shades that go up and down, just like rolling them up. In the slit, at a distance of about fifty feet, there lies a lamp post. It shined bright white light through to my bed. To my clothes, my blanket, and I moved. I positioned myself so that my eyes were in the 'spotlight' of the lamp post, and I began softly raising my voice.

Once I knew I was uninterrupted, I sang. I sang songs to the Lord Jesus...that He would choose me, that He would use me, for some good in His name, on this earth. I remember pretending. I donned the blanket over my hair as a cover, and I was transformed into Mother Mary, the Mother of Jesus. But I was a pretend Mother Mary when she was young....and as a young lady, I ventured that Mother Mary sat late at night and prayed to God, too.

I prayed that in His searching the world over, that He would find me and use me for His purposes, His good. I gave my life to God, and I sang of the mercies of His soul. How God's mercy and His Son's sacrifice were done so that I would find God on my own.

I did not need to declare my loyalty to God. I recall sitting under a statue in the Catholic Church. I recall the figure: it was Jesus Himself, hanging on a cross. With a crown of thorns. And it made me wonder...

...I looked at the image of Christ's face, depicted in death and sorrow, as well as everlasting life and happiness...and I asked Christ into my heart. In fact, I asked Him into my soul, my actions, my hands, my writings, my brains, and my heart broke into tears. Thinking of Christ's sufferings made me stop and wonder...why? Why did God make the Garden of Eden and why did He create man...for what reason? To watch us, as if we are actors on a stage of life, or to watch us as if we were animals caged in a zoo. To watch us and to have a relationship with us? Weren't the angels good enough?

I, just for an instant, put myself in God's shoes. This child I was, so innocent. I looked down upon the earth and because God is omnipotent and omnipresent, I saw it. Just for a second. I saw the word in all its ugliness, murder, and blood....and I saw it in all its natural majesty, undefined. Knowledge of everything that is going on in the world right now. Knowledge of the battered women, abused children, neglected animals, gangsters and thieves...and on the other side of the coin, I saw love and marriage, and a man's free will to choose God over any and all other things. How can God bear it? How can He bear to know the sufferings of all the world?

It boggled my mind. To imagine, for that is all that I could imagine all the bad things happening in the world, and to see images and view re-runs of man's wars. I cried in my song, looking at the light post lamp through the slit in the window...and I tried to sense the other side of the coin; the love and happiness, laughter and warmth, the smile of a mother looking at her newborn baby. And I understood. I understood that I could never be God. I could not harbor all that data without going crazy. But how does God do it? How does He watch the wickedness in man's heart, and how does He stand to hear man speaking lie after lie after lie?

So as a young child, I was very happy that I was not God. Mostly because I could not bear the thought of knowing all the bad news going on in the world at all times. Like turning on the news and being baffled at story after story about theft after break-in, chopping up a human body to hide it so the hideous murderer could make his plans. Even now, I can not stand watching the News....too much bad news after bad news after bad news. Can't they come up with a news station that only reports on good things? We know the bad things are still there, but why do we give them attention?

Why do loookie-loos slow down to view the dead body of the motocyclist on the freeway, as it is splayed in contortion of great proportions? Why does this happen as a natural human society? Is there a part of all of us that sees evil, feels evil, and knows we can be evil.....but then again, is there another part of us that fights against that which we see? Do we want to be ignorant in our bliss and suffer eternal damnation? Or do we want to have God's eyes stop when He 'gets' to us in His line of vision?

During these times, I felt a special closeness to God that has never left me.
Perhaps it is because I accepted Christ's sacrifice of His very Self to the devil? And that I may celebrate in the resurrection of the Lord, and await His coming again now?

I slip the spoon back into the cup. The spoon of dysphagia, the spoon of failed muscles and failed aspirations. Little ones, like writing or coloring. The spoon immediately rests on the side of the cup, because the laws of physics are such that the spoon can not hold itself upright in the middle of the cup. So I fill the cup with crushed ice. Now when I put the spoon in the cup, it is able to remain upright in the middle of the cup. Plenty of reinforcements, plenty of energy.

Vowing to keep the ice crushed, keep it filled, so that my world would not touch the edge of the cup, marring my future forever. Just want every one to be happy. Love to guide you with a little purpose. But you have to go on your own.

No one can walk in your shoes. There is no other 'you'.

I bumped my head in the middle of the night, so today I have a bump and scratchy lesion that is dark purple. Of course, it is seen to the left of midline, so that I had missed it before. Now I know that when they are confused, it is my opinion that is sought.

I try not to render opinions. But it is so easy to assess some one else's place in identify it and tag it as so, to the point where I am captivated. Simply captivated.

Now it is late and I must sleep. Yearning for some good measure of sleep tonight. Appointments tomorrow and the day after; I have to be with my daughter in order to see things through her eyes. In this way, dear Lord, let me think so that I know.

God Bless You and Springtime cheers to all! My eyes are drooping and I keep rereading the same paragraphs...not sure if you will hate this or love it. We all have to grow old, and we all should spread our information and have some legacy that places one dent in the world. I know my children will always do things with me in mind, and they should not stray any longer.

Thank you for being with me, here and now. My eyes droop heavier and heavier, and the synchrony of Mike's gentle snore is one answer! Thank God!

I don't know if I will be alive or able to write again.. I don't want to stop. If I stop, I will have to make up for it later. So for now, here are my thoughts and I'm interested in knowing what you think. Is it stupid for me to sing these Praises to God? No. God is with us. He wants every one to now that. We want to write out your story, too, Renee. I miss you. Betcha you have to catch up on sleep tonight...and try to pass with an "A". Everything is there. It is just a matter of time, for most people. So.....stay with me as the month progresses.

Lots of Love to all,


  1. Bless you. Yes, me, too. Had lost so much weight from caring for my son whom you and the Christian Youtube community has helped so much. In the end, it was no medical treatment from the mainstream medical community that helped my son recover. It was the love and prayers of yourself and the Christian YT community that helped him. I spent so much energy being a mother to him that I lost so much weight, but I have gained some of it back when I gave all over to God and my son is in recovery.

    You are a gift to those of us who do not have dysautonomia but who are the friends and family members of those who do.


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