Am learning more and more about esophageal swallowing, the 'rhythm' of a swallow, and mostly...am learning not to get food in my lungs. I know that no matter how hard I try, it is inevitable that a small area of aspiration has already eroded through some microscopic tissue from the lungs...the lung alveoli worker-bees for breathing, and/or the parenchyma surrounding and supporting the alveoli.
Quick grin to myself as my specialty area of expertise resides in the trachea, the esophagus, and getting that endotracheal breathing tube into the 'right' hole, which for breathing is the trachea. Slowing down from eating every day, only in that food has no longer become a huge area of interest. As if fasting from food has only served to remind me of how starving for God's Word my soul must be, since it has lived off little sustainance in this regard.
My little lady at the hospital graced me with the gift of a rosary.....something sacred and dear to my soul, ever since I was a small girl. I remember that there was a cut in the blinds that would allow the street light to shine a beam onto my top bunk bed. It was here that I would wrap a blanket around my face, sit looking up at that focus of light, and I would give. I would give myself to God, asking Him to take my life and use it. I begged to be considered holy, to obtain God's attention and to sustain it for the rest of my little life. My brother cried in the next room, so I stepped softly onto the floor with my 'foot' PJs I loved so very much. I patted his back, this little baby boy brought into the world, and I patted it and patted it until he was asleep again and....zzzzzz. I accidentally fell asleep on the floor rug next to his bed.
I remember my mother was so upset that she said I could never pat my brother to sleep again, because I fell asleep on the floor. It did not make one ounce of sense to me, as of course I would not have fallen asleep on the floor if it would jeopardize that little 'time' I had with him. But no and alas, one thing is related to the other and POOF! it shall be so.
So I never fell asleep on the floor next to him again. But I did go in there and I did stay wide awake and I did make sure he got patted to sleep. Perhaps I was 8 years old by then....and I re-negotiated the events at hand, to ensure (no pun intended; I'm on drink #4 today) I would not repeat that mistake again.
Just wanted him to know, even a a baby, that he was loved this much. No matter what ever happens, I still have the photos in my head, and no one can take them away from me.
Drifting to sleep as I finish my entry here for this date. Today was a beautiful day...mild sprinkles in the am; sun sharpeningly shining, and the air with a tinge of future bronchitis in it....I'll stay away from risky places, and I know that God is with me every where I go, and every where I am. I wish Him granted access, extra extrapolations, scientific research and research goal attainment for dysautonomia and related diseases.
I have asked too many questions and answered too few with certainty. Welcome to our world. Without your prayers, we would be spinning in circles. I know we are no longer spinning. One by one, we have jumped off the spiral and are conquering our disease, albeit one day at a time. One day, one meal, one accident-free day. They all add up to much good. This is where we focus, on the Jesus of miracles, the Master of the Future, and the Power of things to come.
Thank you. If you are of God, He will lean on our outcries in order to give us His attention. If we were a little more mature as Christians, He would not wait to bestow another miracle. There has been a giant scale of measure, and the stack on the other side was too big to overcome. No longer. Death knocks on our door, and we choose to live our lives for Jesus.
God Bless You as you praise God in all things: in times of joy, times of passion; times of sadness, times of utter desolation. That is where we find God. When nothing else is left, and when no one else is here but one person. One person like you.
Seriously. Love and Hugs and sorry for any and all sins against people or persons..my slate is wiped clean and God stays with me one more time....as the air goes to the back of my tonsilitis-ridden throat, and my body longs for sleep. Goodnight for today. Tomorrow is another day.
Thursday 4/14/10: I heard about your bump in the road. I have prayed for you and will continuet to do so. Your prayers helped my son's tumor shrink to the point that the attending MD said the radiologist said one would have to "squint" to be able to see the tumor. You helped pave the way for this. I am helping pave the way for you too. I envisioned your esophagus and tracheal being healed and used my hand to remodel them into the way the Lord intended them. Hang in there, our friend Dr. M. You are going to be well again. Trust in the Great Physician.
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